I am some-what having a conflict with myself. I am contradicting over my family matters. *Inhales* It has been rough for me. Perhaps my parents as well.
- interrupts -
Did i ever told you about my dream? When i was a toddler, I dreamt that my mom and my dad divorced *touch wood* and the four of us (my elder brother, me, younger sister and younger brother) had to split up due to some agreement written in their separation lawyer letter. Me and one of my brother (i forgot which) were made to stay with my dad.
- Back to reality -
Hmm, when i was young my dad couldn't be bothered about our family, he was way to busy to care for us -.- . He was the sole breadwinner of my family and that's the only thing i knew about him, at that time la, i mean in the past la *trying to type like typical singaporean* I didn't even dare to speak to him!
-end of reality, back to my dream-
It was terrible for me to find out that my mom chose to let me and my the other brother to stay with my dad. I was disowned by her, *in my dreams of course*. I begged her not to give me away, i cried and cried. I even kneel down in front of the public, clinging on to one of her legs and I cried out :"Mom! Please! Take me with you! *sobs*". I can remember the scenes vividly, until now. Luckily it didn't came true.
- end of interruption -
Yeah, so I was really afraid to lose my mom, at that point of time. We got real close, but now.. we aren't that close anymore. Because i craved for freedom and got very rebellious. And yea there goes our r/s.
Also, I doubt my relationships with my siblings. It's always on/off. They seem to hate me. It is sad for me to feel this way. I don't know is it true or what, i am still hurt by what they said to me the day before. I know, and my mom told me that it was a joke. Ugh, seriously, it was a very bad timing. The fact that my mom doesn't want to live with us or me is bad enough and yet they rubbed it in, laughed it off like it wouldn't affect me.
I really should thank Kamal for talking to me just now, in that Indian restaurant. He taught me how to look at things differently. He told me how important a family is and what should be taken lightly and what should not. Lesson learnt : never give up on family. Though, i truly agree on what he said to me, i am still having difficulty to convince myself that i can prioritize my family. I can't even comfortably say that my family will be there for me when i need them. They... are so distant....... Like ....... not the ones i know anymore. I feel odd living in this family. The thought of leaving this house is so overwhelming that i almost left home and decided that i should not come back.
Probably it is a process of growing up. I think i need to do something about my life. Make a change. Now! On the other hand, I should also try to mend things that my friend had broken up. I know it is kind of impossible to make it happen but i'll give it my best shot.
K, buhbye.
